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Title: Obviously
Author: marcicat
Fandom: Heated Rivalry (TV); Game Changers (Rachel Reid)
Characters: Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Harris Drover
Tags: AU, Animal Transformation, Crack, Not to be taken seriously
Summary: Winning the Stanley Cup gives people the power of animal transformation. Obviously.
Author's Note: Metaphorically, this is the fic version of the xkcd Average Familiarity comic ("Even when they're trying to compensate for it, experts in anything wildly overestimate the average person's familiarity with their field"). Operationally, it's an excuse to let Ilya Rozanov be an actual puppy.
Shane relaxing in one of the chairs set up in the yard for that exact purpose wasn't a surprise. Shane reading a book: also not a surprise. Shane hanging out at Troy and Harris' house with Ilya nowhere in sight: definitely a surprise.
"Hey Shane," Harris said, trying to sound casual, like this was a totally normal and not at all alarming occurrence. "No Ilya today?"
Shane looked up. "He's playing with Anya and Chiron. Said he wanted to stretch his legs."
Harris squinted in the direction Shane had pointed. "They're pretty far out, aren't they?" He recognized Chiron first, then Anya, then — "What is that?"
"What?" Shane said.
"That!" Harris pointed at the enormous beast chasing Chiron and Anya and — wagging its tail?
Shane relaxed back into the chair. "Oh. It's just Ilya. He won't let them get too far."
Maybe he was hallucinating. Or maybe Shane was hallucinating? Neither of those seemed very likely. "I see three dogs," Harris said carefully.
"Yeah, he says it's more fun that way." Shane was already looking back at his book.
Harris dropped into the chair closest to him. "Shane. That is a dog. Are you telling me that dog is Ilya Rozanov?"
"Yeah." Shane sounded very earnest when he added, "We wouldn't just bring a strange dog over to play with Chiron without checking with you."
"Thank you," Harris said, because that was nice, even though it definitely wasn't what he was worried about. "Seriously, though. Ilya Rozanov. Giant dog. What is happening right now?"
Shane frowned. "I thought you knew. You've put it on the team socials."
"I'm pretty sure I haven't." It had been a weird few minutes, but not quite weird enough to make him think he was somehow in an alternate dimension where he posted things about players being able to turn into dogs.
But Shane was staring at him like Harris was the one not making sense. "Guard dog Roz, protecting the rookies? Team barbecue puppy pile?"
Okay, he definitely had posted those. But — "It was a metaphor!" Harris looked at the dogs again. "I — thought it was a metaphor?"
Shane whistled, long and loud. Across the field, the biggest dog started herding the other two back towards the house. As they got closer, Harris revised his first impression. The dog wasn't just big, it was huge. Possibly the biggest dog in the entire world.
He stared. "That's not a dog, it's a small woolly mammoth."
Shane laughed. "This is pretty average for the breed." The mammoth woofed, and Shane shook his head. "You know I'm right."
Chiron flopped down on Harris's feet, while the mammoth nudged Anya towards the water bowl they kept in the yard. Harris was still trying to figure out if this was some bizarre practical joke. "And he just.. does this. And then turns back?"
Shane rolled his eyes. "Obviously. Dogs can't play hockey."
Of course. Obviously. He should have known.
"Right," Harris said. "So. Is this — a Russian thing?"
"What? No, it's not a — it's a hockey thing."
Harris stared at him. "I'm very sure Troy can't turn into a dog. Or any other kind of animal."
Shane shrugged. "Troy hasn't won the Stanley Cup yet either."
Harris took a second to appreciate the 'yet,' and then the 'either' sank in. "Are you saying winning the Stanley Cup gives you superpowers?"
Shane shook his head. "Don't let Hazy hear you say that. He's got a whole speech about why animal transformation isn't a superpower. It's just a 'regular' power." Shane used his fingers to make air quotes around 'regular.'
Harris was extremely interested in hearing that speech, actually. For now, he said, "Okay, but a lot of people have won the Stanley Cup. I feel like this is something we would know. That I would know."
Shane looked confused. "You do know. I just told you."
Harris waved his hands. "Right, but I didn't know before that." He felt like his brain was going in a dozen different directions at once. "Is it always a dog? Does it happen to everyone? Do all hockey players know about this?"
"It's not always a dog. And — yes? I guess, at least." Shane shrugged again, looking distinctly uncomfortable. He set his book aside and buried his hands in the mammoth dog's fur. "I thought everyone knew. Maybe not everyone embraces it quite as much as Ilya."
The enormous dog — Harris still couldn't quite bring himself to think of it as Ilya Rozanov — laid its head in Shane's lap and stared at Harris intently. And kind of menacingly, actually. No making Shane uncomfortable. Got it.
"Okay," he said quickly. "Great. That's great." Without thinking, he added, "Wait, you've won the Stanley Cup. Does that mean you—?"
The dog curled its lip at him, exposing extremely large teeth.
Harris waved his hands. "No, never mind, forget I said anything."
Once Shane had gone back to his book, and the dog-that-was-probably-Ilya-Rozanov was distracted by Anya and Chiron, Harris pulled out his phone.
Harris: so, weird question, but can any of your guys turn into animals?
Kyle: haha like a beast in the sheets? y/y
Kip: lol
Harris: NO. I mean Shane says this is Rozanov.
Harris took a picture of the enormous dog-that-was-probably-Ilya-Rozanov and added it to the chat.
Kyle: No way, he's pranking you.
Kip: Cute! What is that, an ovcharka?
Kyle: a what now?
Kip: Caucasian shepherd dog. Big fluff. Ask if I can pet him.
Harris: NOT THE TIME KIP
Fabian: I mean. Not a whatever that is, but yeah.
Kip: ???
Kyle: ??!??!?!?!?!?
Harris: what
Kip: hold pls
Fabian: I thought you knew? The Stanley Cup thing.
Kip: WTF SCOTT SAYS THIS IS TRUE
Kyle: WHAT STANLEY CUP THING.
Kip: HE SAYS HE THOUGHT I KNEW
Kyle: WHAT????????
Harris: I'VE BEEN SAYING
Kyle: I'm afraid to ask if there's anything else they think we know…
Kip: Seriously though, can I pet him? We're coming up in a few weeks.
Harris: …
Harris: I'll ask.
Author: marcicat
Fandom: Heated Rivalry (TV); Game Changers (Rachel Reid)
Characters: Shane Hollander, Ilya Rozanov, Harris Drover
Tags: AU, Animal Transformation, Crack, Not to be taken seriously
Summary: Winning the Stanley Cup gives people the power of animal transformation. Obviously.
Author's Note: Metaphorically, this is the fic version of the xkcd Average Familiarity comic ("Even when they're trying to compensate for it, experts in anything wildly overestimate the average person's familiarity with their field"). Operationally, it's an excuse to let Ilya Rozanov be an actual puppy.
Shane relaxing in one of the chairs set up in the yard for that exact purpose wasn't a surprise. Shane reading a book: also not a surprise. Shane hanging out at Troy and Harris' house with Ilya nowhere in sight: definitely a surprise.
"Hey Shane," Harris said, trying to sound casual, like this was a totally normal and not at all alarming occurrence. "No Ilya today?"
Shane looked up. "He's playing with Anya and Chiron. Said he wanted to stretch his legs."
Harris squinted in the direction Shane had pointed. "They're pretty far out, aren't they?" He recognized Chiron first, then Anya, then — "What is that?"
"What?" Shane said.
"That!" Harris pointed at the enormous beast chasing Chiron and Anya and — wagging its tail?
Shane relaxed back into the chair. "Oh. It's just Ilya. He won't let them get too far."
Maybe he was hallucinating. Or maybe Shane was hallucinating? Neither of those seemed very likely. "I see three dogs," Harris said carefully.
"Yeah, he says it's more fun that way." Shane was already looking back at his book.
Harris dropped into the chair closest to him. "Shane. That is a dog. Are you telling me that dog is Ilya Rozanov?"
"Yeah." Shane sounded very earnest when he added, "We wouldn't just bring a strange dog over to play with Chiron without checking with you."
"Thank you," Harris said, because that was nice, even though it definitely wasn't what he was worried about. "Seriously, though. Ilya Rozanov. Giant dog. What is happening right now?"
Shane frowned. "I thought you knew. You've put it on the team socials."
"I'm pretty sure I haven't." It had been a weird few minutes, but not quite weird enough to make him think he was somehow in an alternate dimension where he posted things about players being able to turn into dogs.
But Shane was staring at him like Harris was the one not making sense. "Guard dog Roz, protecting the rookies? Team barbecue puppy pile?"
Okay, he definitely had posted those. But — "It was a metaphor!" Harris looked at the dogs again. "I — thought it was a metaphor?"
Shane whistled, long and loud. Across the field, the biggest dog started herding the other two back towards the house. As they got closer, Harris revised his first impression. The dog wasn't just big, it was huge. Possibly the biggest dog in the entire world.
He stared. "That's not a dog, it's a small woolly mammoth."
Shane laughed. "This is pretty average for the breed." The mammoth woofed, and Shane shook his head. "You know I'm right."
Chiron flopped down on Harris's feet, while the mammoth nudged Anya towards the water bowl they kept in the yard. Harris was still trying to figure out if this was some bizarre practical joke. "And he just.. does this. And then turns back?"
Shane rolled his eyes. "Obviously. Dogs can't play hockey."
Of course. Obviously. He should have known.
"Right," Harris said. "So. Is this — a Russian thing?"
"What? No, it's not a — it's a hockey thing."
Harris stared at him. "I'm very sure Troy can't turn into a dog. Or any other kind of animal."
Shane shrugged. "Troy hasn't won the Stanley Cup yet either."
Harris took a second to appreciate the 'yet,' and then the 'either' sank in. "Are you saying winning the Stanley Cup gives you superpowers?"
Shane shook his head. "Don't let Hazy hear you say that. He's got a whole speech about why animal transformation isn't a superpower. It's just a 'regular' power." Shane used his fingers to make air quotes around 'regular.'
Harris was extremely interested in hearing that speech, actually. For now, he said, "Okay, but a lot of people have won the Stanley Cup. I feel like this is something we would know. That I would know."
Shane looked confused. "You do know. I just told you."
Harris waved his hands. "Right, but I didn't know before that." He felt like his brain was going in a dozen different directions at once. "Is it always a dog? Does it happen to everyone? Do all hockey players know about this?"
"It's not always a dog. And — yes? I guess, at least." Shane shrugged again, looking distinctly uncomfortable. He set his book aside and buried his hands in the mammoth dog's fur. "I thought everyone knew. Maybe not everyone embraces it quite as much as Ilya."
The enormous dog — Harris still couldn't quite bring himself to think of it as Ilya Rozanov — laid its head in Shane's lap and stared at Harris intently. And kind of menacingly, actually. No making Shane uncomfortable. Got it.
"Okay," he said quickly. "Great. That's great." Without thinking, he added, "Wait, you've won the Stanley Cup. Does that mean you—?"
The dog curled its lip at him, exposing extremely large teeth.
Harris waved his hands. "No, never mind, forget I said anything."
Once Shane had gone back to his book, and the dog-that-was-probably-Ilya-Rozanov was distracted by Anya and Chiron, Harris pulled out his phone.
Harris: so, weird question, but can any of your guys turn into animals?
Kyle: haha like a beast in the sheets? y/y
Kip: lol
Harris: NO. I mean Shane says this is Rozanov.
Harris took a picture of the enormous dog-that-was-probably-Ilya-Rozanov and added it to the chat.
Kyle: No way, he's pranking you.
Kip: Cute! What is that, an ovcharka?
Kyle: a what now?
Kip: Caucasian shepherd dog. Big fluff. Ask if I can pet him.
Harris: NOT THE TIME KIP
Fabian: I mean. Not a whatever that is, but yeah.
Kip: ???
Kyle: ??!??!?!?!?!?
Harris: what
Kip: hold pls
Fabian: I thought you knew? The Stanley Cup thing.
Kip: WTF SCOTT SAYS THIS IS TRUE
Kyle: WHAT STANLEY CUP THING.
Kip: HE SAYS HE THOUGHT I KNEW
Kyle: WHAT????????
Harris: I'VE BEEN SAYING
Kyle: I'm afraid to ask if there's anything else they think we know…
Kip: Seriously though, can I pet him? We're coming up in a few weeks.
Harris: …
Harris: I'll ask.
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OBVIOUSLY <3<3<3